Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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