Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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