So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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