WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
