i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
