I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize