I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
