i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
