I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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