No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
