I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
