Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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