I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
