Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
