one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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