I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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