Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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