how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize