How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
