Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
