you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
