i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
