Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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