I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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