Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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