I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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