I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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