I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
