I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I will be naked everywhere
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
