Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It all started with a game of naked twister.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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