Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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