We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
