I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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