Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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