At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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