um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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