I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
