I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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