I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
