I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
