I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's never too late to be topless.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
