I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
