Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
