I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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