i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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