I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
