I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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