she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
