More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize
