I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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