First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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