HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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