I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
