I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
