1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
