life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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