u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
