but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
