i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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