i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
