For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize