I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
