If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
