my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
