What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
third nipple confirmed
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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